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  • Writer's pictureKeilah Stallsmith

Questions to Ask While Youre Engaged

Deep topics for introspective couples to connect, get inspired, and plan their life, marriage, and wedding with intention

A couple holds hands on their wedding day on a rooftop in Kansas City
photo: BettyAnn Photography

Getting engaged is such a cool period of time in your life. It is a reminder like no other that you're creating your own path. You're making really exciting decisions about your future. Your spouse, is after all, one of the most important decisions you will make.

If you’re here, I imagine you’re in love and want to make sure you have all the important conversations before “I Do”. You’ve likely had some serious conversations about marriage, and/or have partnered together on everything from traveling, living together, or working together. You know you make a great team. Still, now that it's official, you want to dive a little deeper. Or perhaps you've been engaged for a while, and all this wedding stuff is causing you to lose focus on what matters most. No matter how you arrived here, you're planning your marriage with intention.

Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm. -Esther Perel

The good news is, all these conversations about your marriage will ultimately lead to some really cool directions with wedding planning. It is an opportunity for reflection, intention, and commitment, before making all those promises in a very thoughtful way. When you make decisions for your wedding based on the intentional decisions you've made for your marriage, you'll approach planning with much more confidence and clarity.

Questions to Ask While Youre Engaged

Part I: What does our marriage mean?

Alright, this first part doesn't start off very romantic. The fact of the matter is: a marriage is a legal contract between two people and the government. The government makes the rules and determines what marriage means in the eyes of the law. Marriage is, of course, also a social contract. There is a shorthand understanding when you refer to someone as your husband, wife, or spouse. We of course come to marriage with our own preconceived notions. While marriage involves significant input from others, be sure to define what it means for you.

  • Why are you getting married?

  • How is being married different from being someone's long-term partner?

  • Will marriage change your relationship? How?

  • How will you be a good spouse? Which promises do you want to be held accountable to?

  • Do you believe in hierarchical relationships? Should spouse come before parents, should kids come first, or should everyone be equal?

  • What does it mean to give it your all?

  • What does fidelity mean to you?

  • What do you need to feel safe, loved, and supported in this marriage?

  • How will you define a successful marriage?

Part 2: What are we creating together?

While marriage is a legal, social, and personal commitment, it is also a lot of, well... paperwork. Human beings are expensive, complex, require lots of record keeping, and are always changing. It takes a lot to manage a life, but you don’t have to do it alone. Marriages come together for all sorts of reasons, and can go in many directions. Which direction are you headed? Here are some questions to discuss what you will create:

  • What does your dream life look like? What roles do each of you play? How will you get there? When?

  • What dreams do you share? What dreams do you not share?

  • What are the core values that you will live by?

  • What do you love about “us”?

  • How will our marriage put more good into the world?

  • How will you divide household chores, financial responsibilities, family planning, careers, holidays, and social activities?

  • Which financial, health, social, household, and career goals are you currently focused on?

  • How do you want to enjoy relationships with your families of origin? Your friends?

  • What are your values around money?

  • How can we repair and restore our connection when there is stress or conflict?

  • How do you ask for help when you need it? Where does help come from?

Part 3: Lets talk about the wedding.

The wedding talks can often feel kind of big and amorphous, like you aren’t sure where to start. For an intentional wedding, begin with your values, who you are, and what you are building together. Remember why you are getting married, and what your wedding means to you in the social, financial, and sentimental aspect of your life’s story. With the questions above, you’ve already got a great head start. ;) Here are some more questions to explore:

  • Why are you having a wedding (vs the courthouse)?

  • How will you split planning responsibilities? Who gets a say in decisions?

  • Where are you feeling pressure or insecurity with wedding planning? How can you lighten it?

  • Where are you feeling really confident and having fun with wedding planning? How can you make more planning feel like that?

  • Do you want to have a large or small wedding? Why?

  • Do you feel a responsibility toward others with your wedding? In which areas?

  • Who are you genuinely excited to celebrate with?

  • How do you want to enjoy time with your guests?

  • How can you apply your love languages to wedding ideas?

  • Which traditions or experiences are you most looking forward to?

  • How will you pay for the wedding? How do you feel about your budget?

  • What would it look like if you cut everything that wasn’t a priority?

  • What does your dream wedding feel like? How can you capture that feeling?

  • What matters most for your wedding? What’s not a big deal?

  • If something major happened, would you prefer to cut the fluff and get married immediately or wait until you could celebrate fully?

  • What do you want to have happened as a result of your wedding?

  • How would you like your wedding to put more good into the world?

I hope you set aside some time with your person to find a beautiful sunset, a quiet moment, and enjoy each other’s company as you explore this crazy beautiful adventure you’re on. Diving deep is how you’ll create a personally meaningful celebration, and setting aside time to define your intentions in an important first step.

If you enjoyed the above explorations, you would love Vision Work. In Vision Work you’ll sit down with a planner for productive, heartfelt, and intentional time to bring form to your wedding ideas. You’ll get a thoughtful guide as you explore the different routes you can take, as well as experienced advice as you build out your foundation. Reach out to get started on your own intentional and uniquely you celebration today.

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